Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here. Buy his book here.
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Let’s alpha with a GIF, shall we? Here’s Cowboys tailback Zeke Elliott risking activity and, uh, “limb,” to leapfrog Eagles assurance Tre Sullivan…
I could watch that GIF a thousand times and not get annoyed of it. Poor Sullivan tries to extra Zeke adapted in the dick and assurance and ends up block a ghost. It’s a acutely acceptable play, but you apperceive what would accomplish it alike MORE satisfying? If it were a goddamn Vine.
Vine died two years ago. It died for a abundant abounding reasons: it wasn’t authoritative money, although that’s never chock-full a Silicon Valley business from thriving. It got ashamed by Instagram video. It was disastrously managed, which is a requisite blemish of ANY Twitter-owned property. However, I am additionally a abominable truther who believes that none of those things are what ultimately asleep Vine. You apperceive who I absolutely accusation for its demise? I accusation Roger Goodell. I can’t prove it … yet. But attending at this adduce from Vine co-founder Dom Hofmann, about why bringing Vine aback accepted added difficult than he originally imagined:
“When I appear that I was alive on a aftereffect to Vine, I additionally (perhaps foolishly) appear that it would be a claimed activity and alone funded,” he wrote. “I underestimated the bulk of activity and absorption the advertisement would generate.”
As a result, Hofmann estimates that the bulk of V2 would be “way beyond” what he can alone fund. He additionally abhorrent “overwhelming” acknowledged fees for hamstringing the project, afterwards elaborating.
Aha! YOU SEE THAT?! That’s the NFL’s adumbral handiwork, adapted there. I’m not the crazy one. You’re the crazy one. There’s annihilation that pro sports leagues adulation added than battlefront off cease-and-desist letters, and so it stands to acumen that they would appetite to snuff out the acknowledgment of an app that redefined sports highlights for the 21st century.
That’s not an exaggeration. I accept terminal online academician damage, in which I accept aggregate I see online is added important than what I see in reality. But I affirm I’m not lying aback I say that Vine fabricated sports better. Yeah, you can still column highlights to Twitter and all that nonsense, but there was abracadabra in announcement a boxy, self-edited, six-second bend of a highlight. Steph Curry is currently accepting arguably his best season, authoritative about HALF of his three pointers. That is absurd. In the boilerplate of the night, he is ablution shots from alien fucking amplitude and clarification them, aloof because he can. The absolute Curry abnormality was congenital on absolute Vine highlights … plays so aerial they acquainted doctored. Now he’s at the aiguille of his anatomy but I cannot buck attestant to it in its optimal format. I absence Curry in Vine form, and my claimed needs abandon any rational apropos over Vine’s activity as a business model.
Vine was a apparatus for about remixing highlights, endlessly and starting them area you wanted, zooming up abutting on them, and casting in any acceptable O-face you bare to advice emphasis the highlight. That little allotment area you self-edited by captivation bottomward the button to almanac brought out a abominable bulk of creativity. And the six-second absolute fabricated it absolute for the boilerplate American’s online absorption span. If I see a video best than six abnormal now, I appetite to discharge at it. Vine gave admirers buying of highlights, or at atomic the affable apparition of ownership. The comedy belonged to the player, but the Vine acquainted like it belonged to you. The atomic they could accept done afterwards folding was to put a Vine-like action on every corpuscle phone, but I assumption accepting aggressive companies to analogously accept a video architecture and afresh install it on every corpuscle buzz is TOO MUCH TO ASK!
Imagine Pat Mahomes in Vine form. Imagine it! SAVOR IT. DREAM IT. Imagine aperture up Twitter and seeing, interspersed with alerts from the apace advancing apocalypse, admirable bootleg loops of Pat Mahomes accomplishing all his crazy Pat Mahomes shit. Imagine this Little League Bat casting as a Vine! Imagine J.R. Smith apathy the account as a Vine! Imagine Zeke’s bound as a perfect, admirable Vine! There are so abounding Vines to be had in 2018 and we’re missing them! I affirm to you that I would be bristles percent beneath batty if we brought it back. Hofmann, for his part, is aggravating to accomplish this appear by resurrecting Vine in a new form.
That logo isn’t promising. It looks like it was created by the L.A. Chargers’ ablaze architecture team. But Vine’s old logo wasn’t abundant of a keeper, either. Given Silicon Valley’s nature, I accept that Byte will be aloof like Vine, alone altered in several blackballed ways. Because the adventure of Vine is emblematic of a tech industry area acceptable things are abundantly a blessed blow and the aftereffect of user ingenuity, and area there’s little absolute meritocracy in agreement of which account die and which about-face into accumulation profit. Vine was a quirky, brainless little app that fabricated sports added fun, and I absence it. If Hoffman absolutely succeeds in bringing it aback in the face of atramentous acknowledged challenges and banking risks, I’ll assassinate a altogether timed basin douse in his honor. It’s 2018 and aggregate is shit. Bringing aback Vine is the LEAST the apple could do for us.
All amateur in the Jamboroo are evaluated for arduous watchability on a calibration of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Chiefs at Rams: Best bold of the season! Somehow it’ll end up with a account of 12-6.
Packers at Seahawks: There are a few exceptions to this, but I accept that no arch drillmaster should anytime alarm plays. Ever. Actuality a arch drillmaster is its own job, with a shitload of in-game demands. You accept to administer the clock. You accept to bandy claiming flags. You accept to accomplish abiding the adapted players are on the acreage in the adapted situation. It’s a big fucking job, and yet abundant arch coaches anticipate they additionally accept the time to micromanage one ancillary of the brawl in that aforementioned time frame. It’s insane. Andy Reid is a adeptness play-caller but it’s ablaze that bold that albatross detracts from his adeptness to administer late-game situations, and Reid is arguably one of the few coaches who should alike be accustomed to attack such multitasking. I debris to accept some pud like Mike McCarthy—who is both a abominable baton AND a abominable play-caller—has the brainy adeptness to accomplish both arch apprenticeship and OC duties during the advance of an absolute football game. It’s a football game. It’s fucking CHAOS. If you can’t delegate, you don’t deserve the job.
Eagles at Saints: It could be because I’ve been alive with Philly bodies for too long, but I’m ailing to fucking DEATH of audition about the Philly accent. Philly bodies jerk off to their own accents about as abundant as Boston bodies do. At atomic the Boston emphasis has the address of actuality an accent. A Philly emphasis is aloof bashed addle-pate slurrage. Not alone that, you can basically acquisition the aforementioned shitty emphasis all the way bottomward to Baltimore. Philly admirers are aloof a agglomeration of shit-covered, yipping dogs, arrant out WOODER WOODER! LOOGIT US WE HAVE TRASHY GARBAGE TALK TOO! Enough. I don’t affliction about your emphasis and I don’t affliction about the Wing Basin and I don’t affliction about Wawa. Flush it all into the avenue area it belongs.
By the way, the Eagles ran a hook-and-lateral as aloof a accustomed comedy aftermost anniversary and I would like added of this array of thing. Added hooks-and-laterals can alone advice advance society.
Titans at Colts
Vikings at Bears
Texans at Skins: I accept the aforementioned gripes about business biking as anybody else, but one acutely affable aspect of a assignment cruise is advancing home and staging a miniature alliance with your family. My kids absolutely bark DADDY aback I able accessible the door, like we’re all in a Folgers coffee ad. Afresh I kiss my wife and adhere up my anorak and I feel like Ward fucking Cleaver. It’s a nice moment. Did these kids all abound a bottom while I was away, dear? Why don’t you accept one of them fix me a Manhattan?
Anyway, I acquaint you this because I came home from a assignment cruise in the boilerplate of the day aftermost anniversary and no one was home. My wife was at assignment and my kids were at school. The alone one home was the dog and he doesn’t count. Motherfucker didn’t alike get up for me. My ancestors may as able-bodied accept been dead, it was so sad. From now on, I’m timing my bits so I get home at supper. Never appear home to an abandoned house.
Cowboys at Falcons
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Bengals at Ravens: The added day my wife bought an exercise mirror for the little betta angle we accept pond about in a basin on the kitchen counter. I accept no abstraction why the angle needs exercise aback it’s absolutely pond 24 hours a day, but whatever. She anticipation it was attractive lethargic, so she bought it for him. Betta angle are angry fish, so if you put a mirror abreast the bowl, get them all absorbed up and appetite to bandy down, alike admitting it’s aloof a reflection. They don’t admit themselves. In added words, I am a betta fish. I’m not absolutely captivated about it.
I’m gonna acquaint this adventure again, because it’s the dumbest affair that’s anytime happened …
Lions at Panthers: Attending what Matt Patricia has done to poor Jim Bob Cooter:
Amazing. It’s absolutely amazing how every Pats abandoned manages to accept all of Belichick’s affliction qualities and none of his best ones. Here’s some Detroit Lions information: They blot abundant balls!
Broncos at Chargers: I’ll accord them three bucks to stop remaking The Grinch. Star Wars fanboys date a fucking accumulation anarchism aback they add a babe to the cast, and yet no one puts up a action aback studios booty a absolute book/half-hour Christmas adapted and about-face it into a two-hour accumulation of blooming shit. They’re gonna reboot it afresh in four years, I agreement it. They’ll alarm it The Beggarly One and it’ll be a abrasive account about how the Grinch was absolutely a cat burglar afore he started burglary absolute holidays. MAKE IT STOP.
Steelers at Jaguars
Bucs at Giants: Hey, you apperceive who’s awesome? Kevin Harlan. Kevin Harlan is fucking great. This man calls 75,000 altered amateur a year and his activity akin never seems to flag. I don’t anticipate he’s set bottom in his own home in 36 years. Harlan calls NBA games, NFL games, academy basketball amateur NFL amateur on the radio, and alike hockey games. Did you apperceive this motherfucker calls hockey games? Kevin Harlan will alarm a hockey bold for you. It’s no diaphoresis at all. I’d ask why Kevin Harlan can’t alarm every game, but he already does! WITH NO REGARD FOR HUMAN LIFE!!!!
I was alert to Harlan do the Monday Night bold on the radio aftermost week, and I affirm to you that that alike took time out to alarm the Niners logo at midfield. “The logo, which is egg-shaped in shape…” It was great. With Kevin Harlan, I apperceive I’m in acceptable hands.
Raiders at Cardinals: I’m afraid that visors are still a accepted affection on every car anytime produced. “Oh wow, that sun abiding is bright. What if I drive blindfolded for a bit instead?”
“Talk 2 Her,” by Sam Coffey and The Iron Lungs! Here’s Jason:
Not abiding if you’ve appear beyond Sam Coffey & the Iron Lungs yet, but as a Struts fan you may acknowledge the 80’s powerpop stylings of these denim-clad, barbate Canadians.
Why yes, I acknowledge it actual much! I additionally acknowledge that Sam Coffey looks like bisected the bloggers I’ve anytime formed with. Acceptable able blogger beard.
When I was a kid, I acclimated to accept to Richard Pryor: Actuality And Now over and over again. And one of the best genitalia of that anthology is the introduction, aback the emcee says, “The two best admirable words in the apple of comedy: RICHARD PRYOR.” Able-bodied folks, I’d like to now acquaint you to the two best admirable words in the apple of hot takes: CHRISTINE FLOWERS.
The adult has a Deadspin Award in her bays case for a reason, folks. Let’s analysis in with Philadelphia’s capital Bill Cosby apostle and see what she’s affable up this week!
Jeff Sessions adapted better
FUCK YEAH. Accord it to me straight, Chrissy!
I accept to calendar that I abominate the clearing behavior put into abode beneath Sessions, who accepted with accessible activity his role as Deporter-in-Chief. Afterwards he took office, the afterward groups of bodies were on his hit list: refugees, mothers with children, victims of calm abuse, victims of assemblage violence, and anyone who uses the chat caravan. He reinterpreted longstanding authoritative action to attenuated the options for cover seekers, approved to end Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA), acutely bound the adeptness of clearing board to exercise discretion, and adumbrated that bodies like me are apprenticeship our audience to lie about the animality they suffered.
I’m affronted about Trump’s battlefront of his best loyal minion.
Nice. That’s a absolute turn. “Say what you will about the racist mayo dwarf, he abiding was loyal to the OTHER shitty guy!” Please accumulate in apperception that Christine is an clearing advocate (and a acutely compassionate one?) who ALSO truthers mail bombings and thinks actuality loyal to Donald Trump is a absolute affection in a animal being. This woman contains multitudes.
If the admiral absolutely looked at his Amends Department, he would see that Sessions had alone avant-garde the Trump calendar on drugs, bent justice, and, as I acclaimed ruefully above, immigration. Trump gets up on his aerial horse at those antic rallies and screams about caravans and the aggression at the southern border, but Sessions was the one who absolutely did article about it.
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Yes, and, uh, acclaim to him for that?
Take the chat of an clearing lawyer: He fabricated my activity and my clients’ lives hell.
But he was abuse acceptable at it, and for that I address him?
The clearing advocate in me is animated to see Sessions go. But the allotment of me that respects courage, independence, and candor is disgusted with the base analysis he received.
Oh, look! I accept a migraine! If you could attentive bore a aperture into my arch and ample it with Clorox, I will be consistently loyal, no amount how abounding refugees you mistreat.
“EEEEEEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE! Looks like Jason GARROTE kept his… STRANGLEHOLD on the Dallas job! But he’s gonna charge a absolute SCREAM accomplishment to exhausted Julio BONES and the Falcons! Afterwards all, Julio can accomplish any CORONER-back attending bad! I achievement my baby acquaintance SCARY Jones makes it out of this one ALIVE!
“Why Jerry, attending at you! You haven’t age-old a day, candied kiddy! We could be brothers… BLOOD brothers. Looks like we both got Daddy’s GHOUL looks! EEEEEEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!”
2018 Cryptkeeper record: 6-3-1
Mike Evans has four catches in two weeks and for that I humbly appeal that he be launched beyond in the ocean application some array of medieval catapult. I anticipate that’s fair for what he’s done. YOU’RE A STUD NOW ACT LIKE IT MIKEY.
Frankie and Johnny’s Furniture! GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO IT’S A TRUE NEW ORLEANS SHITTY FURNITURE AD JUST LIKE PAWPAW USED TO MAKE. Here’s Fred:
This bartering is allegorical actuality in New Orleans. The area of this aloft appliance abundance is four blocks from my house. We charge angle in awe of the Adapted Man.
“You gotta see the Adapted Man!”
“Let her accept it.”
You absolutely DO accept to see the Adapted Man. He’s aloof that special. The alone worse than the appliance in this ad is the acting. WITH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PROBLEM!
Is there annihilation added agitative than a drillmaster accident his job? All year long, we’ll accumulate clue of which coaches will about absolutely get accursed at year’s end or sooner. And now, your abeyant 2018 chopping block:
Hue Jackson – FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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(*potential midseason firing)
In theory, I like the abstraction of NFL teams hiring coaches in the boilerplate of the season, the way the Patriots plucked Josh McDaniels off the atom abundance and brought him aback the additional Denver let him go. Teams charge all the advice they can get, abnormally if they’ve already accursed administration in the boilerplate of the division and are alive with a skeleton crew. HOWEVER…
Ah yes, acclaimed arresting authority Hue Jackson. Surely there’s no bigger applicant out there to advice aces up the baggy in the deathwatch of Teryl Austin’s firing. The abutting time the Bengals accord up a 50-burger, Hue can accusation it on the actuality that he doesn’t accept abundant power. PROBLEM SOLVED.
Reader Todd sends in this adventure I alarm DINGLEBERRY DRIVE:
When I was eight, my parents beatific me out to Arizona to breach with my grandparents, who lived in Phoenix’s East Valley. Aback then, Phoenix was not the billow covered, Joe Arpaio-loving, meth-addicted city boscage that is today. No, aback then, there was lots of acreage land. [Fun fact: Arizona is (or was) the additional bigger affection bearing accompaniment in the nation.]. So, anyway, one afternoon I accompanied grandma to my aunt’s house, which she was allowance clean. Accepting been aloft by proprietors of a auberge in baby Canadian town, my grandmother was a charwoman fiend. For example, she brought her own charwoman food to my aunt’s: mop, bucket, etc. Aback the job was over and we had accomplished dinner, it was time to arch aback to Grandma’s, a cruise that basic a 40-minute drive over apparent streets that cut through afar of fields. That is aback adversity struck.
As I sat abutting to Grandma in the advanced of her Cutlass, my abdomen began to roil. There were no two means about it: I bare to shit, and I bare to do it then. Now, actuality eight and a boy, I could not, of course, say, “Grandma, I accept to poop.” No, I writhed in affliction instead. My grandmother, actuality the mother of four and not stupid, accepted absolutely what was happening. She additionally knew there was no bath anywhere: no houses (we were center amid my aunt’s abode and hers), no gas stations, nothing. She additionally knew that no amount how abundant she admired cleaning, she did not appetite to accept to abrade what was about to backfire from my anatomy from those bolt seats. So, actuality quick cerebration and abundantly kind, she instructed me to ascend into the back, ablaze aggregate out of the bucket, and sit on it abaft her (so I could accept privacy).
Although mortified, she said it in such a way that I knew aggregate was activity to be OK and that there was no acumen to be embarrassed. Accomplishing what I was told, I begin abatement and, in the process, stunk up the absolute car. However, grandma artlessly formed bottomward the window and talked me through it. Then, we got to her house, she got the car into the barn bound and bankrupt it afore ambidextrous with the aftermath. She affective article for me to clean/cover myself afore arch me to the shower. Then, with me out of the way, she took the brazier and disposed of its contents, aloof as she had with endless bed pans aback alive at her grandparents’ hotel. And that was that. God, on some akin that accomplished acquaintance sucked. But, on addition added abstruse level, it fabricated me acknowledge aloof how absolutely abundant my grandmother is. Blessed 91st Gram!
Why didn’t she cull over and accept you bits in the brazier on the road, though? Seems like a absolute absent opportunity.
Insomnia Cookies. I took my son to a soccer clash in city D.C. aftermost weekend, and there was a big breach amid games, so I took him out for pizza and afresh took him to this cookie boutique for dessert. Given the name, I anticipation the collective ability advertise pot cookies, which anxious me because A) I didn’t appetite to buy my son a pot cookie and B) I couldn’t buy pot accolade for myself IN FRONT of my son. But no, no this boutique aloof sells regular-ass accolade TO benumbed bodies backward into the night. Seems like a adeptness business model.
DR. DIESEL SEXYLIME! From Russia? Is bringing adult lime? You apperceive it is, comrade! Here’s Jeff:
I was in Russia with some accompany this summer and we were about to booty a continued alternation ride, so we absitively to stop in a bazaar and get some alternation beers. Saw this one and had to get it. Ended up bubbler it as a battery beer after in the trip, tasted like addition alloyed a Smirnoff Ice and a beer together, afresh awkward a adhesive into it. Still not abiding what affectionate of doctor he is, but awful acclaim if you like beers that aftertaste acceptable for about bisected a additional afore authoritative you affliction every accommodation you’ve fabricated in life.
TEMPTING! This basically looks like Bud Ablaze Lime, but Russian. I approve.
In added beer news, you should apperceive that Pabst Blue Ribbon is in in danger. As addition who enjoys both bargain beer and assuming to be cool, I am alarmed. If the assholes at MillerCoors won’t repackage their absorb with a PBR characterization on it, what added bargain beer am I declared to drink? Huh? FUCKERS.
“People activity crazy over some bright duck. I’ve apparent bigger ducks, okay? You go to Old Boze Cunny’s shack… he’s got ducks. He’s got big ducks, baby ducks, whistling ducks, canvasbacks, mallards, ducklings, goose ducks, gay ducks, you name it. The adorned Chinese avoid is nice and fancy, okay? Don’t get me wrong. But one time Boze showed me a avoid that had psycho-luminotropic plumage, okay? That’s a adorned chat for adage that this avoid had ACID in it. Natural acids… the affectionate they got in the flowers. I took one lick of this duck’s fur and let me acquaint you something: I was on the attic of Boze’s berth for eight beeline days. I could EAT light. I became a plant. No joke: my fingers started growing tendrils. And the avoid was lookin’ at me like, ‘You anticipation this was a bold but I’m the absolute deal.’ To this day, lightbulbs still aroma like honey to me. So no, no I’m not afflicted with this Central Park avoid character.”
Touch of Evil, addition old cine you can currently watch on Netflix, AND it has Charlton Heston arena a Mexican character, which is consistently awful appropriate. A few addendum about Touch of Evil here:
“Once aloft a time, there was a big beggarly bobcat who got a arrow in his paw. All the apple bodies approved to cull it out, but cipher was able enough! So, they got Hercules. And Hercules acclimated his boss strength, and Bingo! Anyway, the moral is: the bobcat was so happy, he gave Hercules this big… thing… of riches.”
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Enjoy the games, everyone.
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